One Day at a Time

Just got home from a short vacation yesterday and I am happy to report that I DID NOT GAIN ANY WEIGHT.  I was so relieved when I got on that scale and saw that.

DH and I jogged two mornings while we were there.  I was hoping for three, but it just didn’t happen with trying to squeeze in visits with this aunt, and that cousin, and a cookout here, and the amusement park there.  We did manage to walk a ton on two of the days though…one day at the Carnegie Science Center and the other at Idlewild Amusement park, so that was helpful.

Now, I am back home and trying to get back into my routine.  The kids are going to my mom’s for 5 days tomorrow, during which I have a visit from my best friend from high school, and DH and I are going to celebrate our 13th anniversary.  I WILL EXERCISE, I WILL EXERCISE even though I want to be relaxing.

I am currently focused on August 7.  I will be attending a wedding that day and even though I know I won’t lose 20 pounds in the next 10 days, I can be sure to look better.  I have to focus on the “better” part and not the “you will still weigh over 200″ part.

Off to fold laundry and put dishes away and clean and run errands.  Have a fantastic Monday!

I have to thank my buddy Shelli for her tough love.  I was having a moment and she called me on it and told me that if I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm and willpower to just fake it.  So, I am having a pep talk with myself and I am going to tell myself the following things:

1. I love to drag my arse out of bed in the morning to run.  No, really.  I do.
2. Salads taste so much better than burgers.
3. There’s no need for chocolate before bed.
4. Beer is for chumps.
5. One plateful is plenty.

I am going to write these in my little notebook right now and hope that if I keep repeating them, they will eventually stick.  The power of positive thinking?  Here’s hopin’!

Quick vacation coming up, full of potential pitfalls.  I have said that my goal is to walk/jog 2 miles each of the days that I am visiting my grandfather.  The only days that I get off are the 2 travel days (it’s 9.5 hours by car.)  I have already told my husband about this goal, so now I am accountable.

No need for chocolate

No need for chocolate

No need for chocolate…

~Shannon

I have found that the times that I have actually lost weight have been times in which I have hit rock bottom.  I guess I haven’t hit that yet this time around.  I am struggling to figure out what really motivates me and I am clueless. 

I have offered myself positive reinforcement in the form of rewards.  I either forget about them and forget about the diet and exercise, or I just buy them anyway.

I buy myself new notebooks and pens for me to journal my food.  It lasts a couple of days and then I get bored.

I have even tried negative reinforcement.  For example, I won’t allow myself a haircut until I lose X pounds.  Then I get into this self-loathing cycle and decide that I need a haircut so that I’ll feel better about myself and once I feel better about myself, I’ll have to energy to try to lose weight.

I don’t want to have to gain more weight to hit rock bottom so that I am actually ready to lose weight, hence the need for the mid-life crisis.  How do I motivate myself? 

I have a friend who likes to ask me what I am afraid of.  She’ll say, “Shannon, why are you afraid to say no to a beer with friends?  Why are you afraid to say no to going out to eat?”  I get kind of pissy when she asks me those things, mainly because I don’t want to answer them.  What it boils down to is that I don’t want to be the wet blanket.  I don’t want to be the boring friend.  I want to be the fun one.  Plus, it pisses me off to have to say no when other people don’t have to say no.  I want my cake and to eat it to.  I don’t want to deny myself anything.  OMG, I am a total spoiled brat.

I need to have the “mid-life, holy cow, I am fat and need to get myself into shape crisis” NOW.  It’s not like it is going to get any better or easier as time goes on.

Part of this whiny, snivvely feeling-sorry-for-myself bit has to do with PMS and lack of sleep.  I had two nights so far this week when I have been up until 3:00 am (Cubs trip and midnight showing of Harry Potter.)  That’s not helping things.  But, it’s not an excuse to eat whatever I want and be a lazy bum either.  I am also using a huge amount of mental energy on a friend who is going through a divorce.  Don’t get me wrong, I am glad to be there for her, but it doesn’t leave much energy for me to focus on myself.

Do you see all of the excuses I am putting out there?  I can find a million reasons to not lose weight.  I have to change my thinking and convince myself that losing weight is a good thing.  I mean, I know it’s a good thing. ;) What I have to convince myself that the hard work of losing weight is worth it.  Maybe that’s my problem.  It took all of this rambling to figure it out.  I have to convince myself myself that the end result is worth the hard work.  I haven’t done that yet.  I haven’t bought in yet.  The hard work is a turn-off.  I am going to work on that today.

I just spent 45 minutes writing this long, over-analytical, self-centered, “poor me” blog.  And then I deleted it.  I am over it.  Time to get on with my day.

So sleepy!

I got up, did my walking/jogging intervals on the treadmill (11.4 miles so far Shelli) and then it all went to hell.  My kids and I were going to spend a lzy day at home, but my oldest friend called to tell me she and her hubby are getting divorced (had lunch with her,) my sister had to have a biopsy on her thyroid, plus she goes back to work on Friday after 8-week maternity leave and is a wreck, and my mom’s best friend’s husband is in respiratory failure. 

I tell ya, when it rains, it pours.  And it is pouring here, literally.  No sun. 

I am so glad I exercised in the morning, because I am not sure I have it in me this evening.

Thanks for all of the comments yesterday.  You guys are awesome!

~Shan

I am overweight.  Actually, I am clinically obese, but whatever.  I had large breasts before I began to gain weight and now they are out of control.  What kills me is that people think that it is ok to talk about them.  People think that having large breasts is a positive, so they can comment on them all that they want.

I have one girlfriend who weighs 110 soaking wet, and eats like there’s no tomorrow.  She is also flat chested.  She thinks that all of her self-esteem issues would go away if only she had boobs.  She tells me how lucky I am to have big boobs; that the big boobs balance out the rest of me so that I look proportionate.  She chatters away about having a boob job constantly.  I’d be happy to donate tissue if I could.

I have another group of friends that we get together with once or twice a year.  This past New Year’s Eve, I made the mistake of wearing a shirt that was low-cut.  I thought I looked nice (and then the pictures started to show up  Yikes!)  But the whole night, this one male friend of ours kept telling me that he couldn’t stop staring at my boobs.  Like it was supposed to be a compliment.

Why does society hold ginourmous boobs in such high regard?  They get in the way.  I have to wear two bras when I jog.  The other day, my husband and I were out hitting golf balls.  He was critiquing my swing, and then stopped, and had this aha! moment.  “Oh, your boobs get in the way.”  I can’t wear shirts that button down the front.  Those cute shirts that have the empire-waist that is supposed to fit under your boobs…for me the waist pretty much runs across the nipples.  I sleep in a bra.  I live in a bra.

I told my husband that I want to have a breast reduction.  But I know that they aren’t big enough to warrant that.  And, of I actually lost some weight, they’d probably be tolerable.  So, here I am, back to solving my problems by actually sticking to a weight loss plan.

It would be so much easier if I could just complain my weight away! 

On a positive note, I dragged my sorry butt out of bed again this morning and did my 2.8 miles.  Today, I alternated walking and jogging in 5-minute intervals.  I am glad I did it, although I am SLEEPY right now!

I actually got my butt out of bed at 6 am.  No snooze, no grumbling.  I did lay there for a minute trying to remember just why I had set that alarm!

I also walked my 2.8 miles, and I was amazed by how many other people were out and about.  It was a beautiful morning.  I did it in 58 seconds less than I did last night.  That puts me at 5.6 miles this week; 14.4 to go before the Cubs Trip.

On a mildly amusing note, I did manage to hurt myself while walking this morning.  I was walking on the street to avoid another walker.  The curbs are cement; the road is asphalt.  There was a lip where the two met and I stepped on it just right and completely turned my ankle.  That’s not the injury though…in my attempt to recover from the turned ankle and not fall flat on my face, I managed to pull the muscle that runs along the top of my big toe…on the other foot.  I am an idiot.

And I weighed myself today.  I am down one pound from last week.  I’ll take it after by 4th of July splurge!

(Name the song!)

Yeah.  The weekend.  Let’s see if I can find some good, to go along with the bad…

The Good:

1.   I didn’t have lunch AND graze AND dinner at mom and dad’s.  I only grazed and had dinner.
2. I only had one serving of dessert. 
3. We didn’t stay the night at mom and dad’s so I didn’t drink as much beer as I normally would have
4. I played some fun dancing games in my Wii
5. I walked 2.8 miles tonight.
6. I only ate 1/2 of my sandwich at dinner tonight

And the Bad….

1. Didn’t exercise on Friday or Saturday
2. Couldn’t stay away from the Buffalo Chicken Dip
3. Had seconds of mom’s cheesy potatoes
4. Had a beer with dinner tonight
5. Had some chocolate this afternoon in a moment of weakness.

Ok, confession time is over.  Time to look ahead to next week.  Jason and I are going on a chartered crazy-fun Cubs trip next Sunday.  I know it’s going to be full of good times, stadium food and beer.  In order to minimize the damage, I plan to work my ass off (literally!) this week.  I do my best work when I start with exercise goals. 

My goal is to walk (drumroll please) 20 miles before this Cubs Trip.  I started tonight with 2.8.  17.2 miles to go.

I also plan to make good food choices.  They may not be perfect, but they will be BETTER.  I didn’t get this way overnight, and I know that it won’t go away overnight.  It is going to take small changes that I can stick with.

Hope you all had a great 4th of July weekend, and if anyone wants to join me on this crazy 20-mile goal, let me know!  I’d love some competition.

Book Club last night.  Ugh.  Book Club was great, it was the calories that I consumed that prompted the “ugh”

I ordered a pork chop sanwich for dinner last night.  That, in and of itself, isn’t terrible, isn’t going to put me over the edge.  There was no mayo on it.  The killer is that I cannot *not* order fries.  Does that make sense?  I can tell myself that I am not going to order fries, but when push comes to shove, I order the damn fries.  It is almost as if there is this voice in the back of my head saying, “What if the pork chop isn’t enough?  You might still be hungry.  Order the fries.  EAT THEM!”

What’s the worst thing that could happen if I didn’t order the fries?  I’d still be hungry.  First of all, not likely.  Second of all, it’s not like I am going to waste away.  I need to train myself to NOT order the sides and just eat the main course.

Yesterday did have one positive.  After sitting in front of the computer all day, I did go for a short jog before book club.  I jogged for 15 minutes and then walked another 3 or 4 to get back home.  I am usually an “all or nothing” sort of girl, so the abbreviated workout was a small victory.  On a normal day, I would have skipped it altogether if I couldn’t do the whole thing.

Here’s to small victories and breaking bad habits!  Happy (almost) 4th of July!

Here, I am day 4 or trying to get my life under control and I am faced with these obstacles:

DH has the day off.  I tend to eat poorly when he is around.  I have this hang-up about wanting to feed him “real” food while I am perfectly fine, and able to control portions, with a frozen Lean Cuisine or WW meal.  But, then the whininess sets in and I want real food, because he is eating real food.  I have to train myself not to feel deprived and sorry for myself.

Complete aside here:  Anyone have any fun mind tricks?  I have a girlfriend who tells herself that there are webcams all over her house, watching her every move.  Sometimes, as I am searching the cupboards for something (anything) to eat, I imagine someone is watching me and judging me for my complete lack of control and that helps me to stop.

 The other struggle for the day is that my book club is meeting tonight.  We always go out for a beer afterwards.  The problem is that I want to be the fun one.  I don’t want to be the wet blanket who either won’t have a beer or goes home early.  I end up being the last one out, drinking more than one beer and then having serious munchies later.  My goal for the evening is this:  limit myself to one beer with the girls and no appetizers at the bar. 

I am not going to over-explain it either.  I always feel the need to explain why I am not eating as much or not drinking as much.  Rather than rambling on about my weight-issues with my skinny friends, I will just say “no thanks” and leave it at that.  I can do this.  I can do this.  At seems so simple at 8:40 am.  Let’s see how it is at 10:00 pm.