One Day at a Time

I have found that the times that I have actually lost weight have been times in which I have hit rock bottom.  I guess I haven’t hit that yet this time around.  I am struggling to figure out what really motivates me and I am clueless. 

I have offered myself positive reinforcement in the form of rewards.  I either forget about them and forget about the diet and exercise, or I just buy them anyway.

I buy myself new notebooks and pens for me to journal my food.  It lasts a couple of days and then I get bored.

I have even tried negative reinforcement.  For example, I won’t allow myself a haircut until I lose X pounds.  Then I get into this self-loathing cycle and decide that I need a haircut so that I’ll feel better about myself and once I feel better about myself, I’ll have to energy to try to lose weight.

I don’t want to have to gain more weight to hit rock bottom so that I am actually ready to lose weight, hence the need for the mid-life crisis.  How do I motivate myself? 

I have a friend who likes to ask me what I am afraid of.  She’ll say, “Shannon, why are you afraid to say no to a beer with friends?  Why are you afraid to say no to going out to eat?”  I get kind of pissy when she asks me those things, mainly because I don’t want to answer them.  What it boils down to is that I don’t want to be the wet blanket.  I don’t want to be the boring friend.  I want to be the fun one.  Plus, it pisses me off to have to say no when other people don’t have to say no.  I want my cake and to eat it to.  I don’t want to deny myself anything.  OMG, I am a total spoiled brat.

I need to have the “mid-life, holy cow, I am fat and need to get myself into shape crisis” NOW.  It’s not like it is going to get any better or easier as time goes on.

Part of this whiny, snivvely feeling-sorry-for-myself bit has to do with PMS and lack of sleep.  I had two nights so far this week when I have been up until 3:00 am (Cubs trip and midnight showing of Harry Potter.)  That’s not helping things.  But, it’s not an excuse to eat whatever I want and be a lazy bum either.  I am also using a huge amount of mental energy on a friend who is going through a divorce.  Don’t get me wrong, I am glad to be there for her, but it doesn’t leave much energy for me to focus on myself.

Do you see all of the excuses I am putting out there?  I can find a million reasons to not lose weight.  I have to change my thinking and convince myself that losing weight is a good thing.  I mean, I know it’s a good thing. ;) What I have to convince myself that the hard work of losing weight is worth it.  Maybe that’s my problem.  It took all of this rambling to figure it out.  I have to convince myself myself that the end result is worth the hard work.  I haven’t done that yet.  I haven’t bought in yet.  The hard work is a turn-off.  I am going to work on that today.

Oh my goodness, I have spent the last two mornings in a funk, feeling sorry for myself, no energy, no motivation.

In other words I have felt like a slug.  A blob.  Like it would be impossible to overcome inertia and get my arse moving. 

Yesterday, I managed to get on the treadmill and do another 3 miles (15.4 for the week) but today, I am overwhelmed by all that I have to do.  I was seriously contemplating crawling into bed with my daughter, who is still sleeping.

But, I logged on, thinking, “If I write about this, maybe I’ll get it out of my system.”  I started reading my buddy’s blogs and lo and behold!  I am motivated and out of my funk.  I have to funky music playing and I am going to go put laundry away and make my grocery list and start cleaning the house for the cookout on Saturday and my parent’s visit on Sunday.

I’d better get this posted so I can get to work.

TGIF!

(Name the song!)

Yeah.  The weekend.  Let’s see if I can find some good, to go along with the bad…

The Good:

1.   I didn’t have lunch AND graze AND dinner at mom and dad’s.  I only grazed and had dinner.
2. I only had one serving of dessert. 
3. We didn’t stay the night at mom and dad’s so I didn’t drink as much beer as I normally would have
4. I played some fun dancing games in my Wii
5. I walked 2.8 miles tonight.
6. I only ate 1/2 of my sandwich at dinner tonight

And the Bad….

1. Didn’t exercise on Friday or Saturday
2. Couldn’t stay away from the Buffalo Chicken Dip
3. Had seconds of mom’s cheesy potatoes
4. Had a beer with dinner tonight
5. Had some chocolate this afternoon in a moment of weakness.

Ok, confession time is over.  Time to look ahead to next week.  Jason and I are going on a chartered crazy-fun Cubs trip next Sunday.  I know it’s going to be full of good times, stadium food and beer.  In order to minimize the damage, I plan to work my ass off (literally!) this week.  I do my best work when I start with exercise goals. 

My goal is to walk (drumroll please) 20 miles before this Cubs Trip.  I started tonight with 2.8.  17.2 miles to go.

I also plan to make good food choices.  They may not be perfect, but they will be BETTER.  I didn’t get this way overnight, and I know that it won’t go away overnight.  It is going to take small changes that I can stick with.

Hope you all had a great 4th of July weekend, and if anyone wants to join me on this crazy 20-mile goal, let me know!  I’d love some competition.

Here, I am day 4 or trying to get my life under control and I am faced with these obstacles:

DH has the day off.  I tend to eat poorly when he is around.  I have this hang-up about wanting to feed him “real” food while I am perfectly fine, and able to control portions, with a frozen Lean Cuisine or WW meal.  But, then the whininess sets in and I want real food, because he is eating real food.  I have to train myself not to feel deprived and sorry for myself.

Complete aside here:  Anyone have any fun mind tricks?  I have a girlfriend who tells herself that there are webcams all over her house, watching her every move.  Sometimes, as I am searching the cupboards for something (anything) to eat, I imagine someone is watching me and judging me for my complete lack of control and that helps me to stop.

 The other struggle for the day is that my book club is meeting tonight.  We always go out for a beer afterwards.  The problem is that I want to be the fun one.  I don’t want to be the wet blanket who either won’t have a beer or goes home early.  I end up being the last one out, drinking more than one beer and then having serious munchies later.  My goal for the evening is this:  limit myself to one beer with the girls and no appetizers at the bar. 

I am not going to over-explain it either.  I always feel the need to explain why I am not eating as much or not drinking as much.  Rather than rambling on about my weight-issues with my skinny friends, I will just say “no thanks” and leave it at that.  I can do this.  I can do this.  At seems so simple at 8:40 am.  Let’s see how it is at 10:00 pm.

Where to start?  Oh, maybe the fact that I have been for years telling myself that I am “not fat.”  That I “look fine.”  Holy cow.  I have started to look at those non-posed photos, you know, the ones that people snap when you are standing sideways, not sucking it in, not pushing the chin out.  I am horrified when I see them.  HORRIFIED!

(That’s me on the right.  Meaty thigh arms, double chin, all boobs)

 And you know what the killer is?  That is what I really look like to other people. They don’t look at those pictures and think, “Wow, the camera added 30 pounds to Shannon’s frame.”    They think, oh, that’s Shannon.

 I have always imagined in my head that I look like the good pictures.  See below!

(I am the one in the black and white shirt.  Not bad, right?  But I am sucking it in!)

So, last night, I was doing a new workout…don’t laugh…Cardio Burlesque.  After visiting Vegas, I thought that I needed some moves (I am kind of klutzy and not exactly feminine.)  I ordered this DVD thinking it would be a fun change for a workout.  Yeah, I am still clumsy as all get out, but maybe someday my husband will reap the rewards of the workout.  (I digress.)  Point is, I was doing the workout and once I caught sight of my ginourmous booty wiggling and jiggling and setting off eathquake sensors everywhere, I once again had reality set in.

Is there a point to all of this rambling?  Yes.  I am finally seeing myself for what I really and truly look like.  They say that anorexics have a distorted body view and always think that they are fat.  I have the opposite problem.  I think that I look better than I really do. 

How do I fix that without ruining what little self-esteem I have?

Man, my blog name looks like a bunch of gibberish!  I tried about 50 different combinations and couldn’t get anything to work.  There is a rhyme and reason for it.  It’s the first two letters of my first, middle, maiden and last names and then the word “renew.” 

“Renew” is, of course, the all-important part.  I need to renew my commitment to helping myself.  Last year I managed to lose 20 pounds.  I have since gained 17 back.  UGH.

I was part of this community once before and I loved it.  But I went back to work and no longer had the time to be a good buddy.  I am hoping that coming back will help me to renew my energy, my commitment, my drive, my desire.  It’s so much easier to just be complacent.